


I've told a million lies (but now I tell a single truth)

by notdenisa



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Coming Out, Cyber Bullying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-24 16:30:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3775528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notdenisa/pseuds/notdenisa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sehun and Baekhyun are photographed making out and faced with a choice: either leave the band or come out as a couple. The thing is - they aren't really together, and Sehun doesn't even know if he likes guys or not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've told a million lies (but now I tell a single truth)

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the second ep of exo next door, obviously.
> 
> well, and [this post](http://meanssugar.tumblr.com/post/113176560687/comradejonghyun-comradejonghyun-like-i-never).
> 
> my first born child and half of my kingdom go to my incredible beta [notlena](http://archiveofourown.org/users/notlena)

"Hyung?" Sehun asks and Baekhyun lets out a humming sound to let him know he's listening, too immersed in the movie they are watching to even look up. "How did you know that you liked boys?" And at that, Baekhyun rises his head from where it's been resting on Sehun's shoulder for the past twenty minutes. 

He scoots a little, pressing himself into the back of the couch, and faces Sehun, looking at him with his eyebrows furrowed, the movie all but forgotten.

"Well, I just always did. When I see an attractive guy I think 'Wow, he's hot.' and that's it. I never felt that way about girls, so it wasn't really that hard to figure out. Why are you asking?" 

Sehun looks down at his hands and tries not to fidget. He remembers the day Baekhyun came out to all of them. The way he stood, looking taller than he really was, his voice strong and confident, as if daring any of them to say something. He also remembers the way Baekhyun's shoulders relaxed, when they all pulled him into a group hug and how the strangled laugh he let out sounded almost like a sob. 

So he squares his shoulders and says "I think I might like them, I mean, them as in guys. I think I might like guys, or men, or whatever." 

There is a strange silence that follows, until Baekhyun seems to compose himself, clears his throat and says, "Well, that's okay, you know. You do know that it's okay, right?" He looks at Sehun expectantly and continues only after the younger offers him a tentative nod. 

"Is there a particular boy that you like?" His tone is serious and gentle, like he's talking to an animal he doesn't want to spook.

It's weird seeing Baekhyun like this. Baekhyun who's usually the first one to tease and poke fun, but Sehun appreciates it, because it helps him even out his breathing and calm down the slight trembling of his hands. 

"There's no one in particular. I just, I've been having these- these dreams." He stammers, making a vague hand gesture. He doesn’t want to talk about his dreams. Not when dreaming about kissing Zitao or Jongdae or even _Baekhyun_ himself makes him wake up breathless and stiff in his sleeping pants. 

"Dreams, you say?" Baekhyun sing-songs, wiggling his eyebrows and shimmying his shoulders and Sehun hides his face in his hands, cheeks hot with embarrassment, wondering why he ever thought that Baekhyun could be serious about something for once in his life. 

"Hyung, please!" He whines, not lifting his head. "This is serious to me." 

"Okay, okay!" Baekhyun says, tone defensive, and then adds. “You could always just try kissing a guy. If you like it, then you’ll have something to think about.” 

Sehun considers it. It’s not a bad piece of advice, all things considered, he just can’t help but see its one giant fault. “I don’t exactly have a handy list of guys I could kiss and not get punched in the face, hyung.” That's mostly true, because even though he's not oblivious to the rumors going around, he tries very hard not to pay attention to them. At the end of the day, that's all they are - rumors. 

Baekhyun laughs, his shoulders shaking and then offers Sehun a bright, inviting smile. “Well, let me rephrase it then. If you’re up to it, then so am I.” Sehun’s eyes widen and he almost chokes on thin air. 

“Are you- are you sure hyung?” he asks, “Won’t it make it weird?” 

Baekhyun shakes his head, still smiling, and says, “It’s only weird when you make it weird, Sehunnie. Besides, you can just count it as me being a good hyung.” and then he’s crawling to meet Sehun where he’s sitting in the middle of the couch. He sits back on his heels and puts his hands on Sehun’s shoulders. 

Sehun takes a deep breath and says, “Okay.” He puts his hand on Baekhyun’s neck and can’t help but feel awkward. He fights with himself not to say something ridiculous like _Okay, I’m going to kiss you now_ , and he must be hesitating for too long because Baekhyun says, “We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. It was just a suggestion.” and then he’s moving away.

Sehun panics, the grip he has on Baekhyun’s neck tightens as he tries to stop him from moving. He leans in a bit too quickly and their mouths clash, making Sehun wince, but soon enough Baekhyun’s warm hand is on his shoulder and he moves away a little, just enough to peck Sehun on the lips once, twice, and then they stay like this, just breathing against each other. It’s Sehun who moves his lips first, but when Baekhyun responds all the tension leaves from his shoulders. Kissing Baekhyun feels good, his lips are warm and taste like the strawberry chapstick he always uses and the way he sucks on Sehun's lower lip pulls out a low breathy moan out of the younger. 

Soon enough he finds himself lying on his back with Baekhyun straddling him. They part, both out of breath and Baekhyun laughs. “Well, now you have something to think about.” He scrambles off of Sehun, offers him one more smile and quietly leaves the room.

That night Sehun lies awake for a very long time, thinking about how nice Baekhyun’s body felt pressed closely to his.

 

He wakes up to someone shaking his shoulder and shouting his name. He’s awake in seconds, the cold feeling of panic setting deep into his bones. He doesn't even get the chance to speak before Joonmyun’s handing him a phone. He has to blink a few times to wrap his head around what he’s seeing, and when he does, it feels like he’s been punched in the stomach. It’s an article, the headline says _Sehun and Baekhyun Caught Making Out! Scroll Down For Pictures!_ and Sehun feels his blood turn into ice. 

He scrolls down even though he already knows what he’s going to see. There are at least twenty pictures of him and Baekhyun from the night before. Some of them just sitting on the couch, on the others Sehun is on his back with Baekhyun lying on top of him, and they’re kissing. All of the pictures are of surprisingly good quality, there's no mistaking who's in them. 

He feels bile rise in his throat and has to push Joonmyun out of the way to make it to the bathroom in time. He falls to his knees onto the cold tiles and dry heaves into the toilet bowl, nothing but spit coming out. His eyes prickle and he feels like he’s going to faint, his head is spinning so fast. He feels a warm hand rub his back, and hears Joonmyun’s soothing voice saying, “Come on, it’s okay. Just breath Sehun, just breathe.” and he tries, choking and spluttering, wiping the tears that have spilled down his cheeks with shaking hands. 

He feels cold all over, his heart is racing like crazy and when he leans his head on the wall behind him and croaks out a quiet “Baekhyun?” Joonmyun just shakes his head and says, “With Chanyeol. The manager is on his way though.”

 

Waiting for the manager feels more like waiting for a death sentence. Joonmyun has confiscated everyone’s phones and Sehun doesn’t mind, he can imagine pretty vividly what’s happening online right now. No one is saying anything, the silence heavy and filled with dread. Baekhyun is pale, paler than usual and he's gripping Chanyeol’s hand so hard his knuckles are nearly white. Chanyeol doesn’t seem to notice, his thumb slowly tracing gentle circles on the back of Baekhyun’s hand.

 

When the manager arrives, it’s with a woman from the PR team. He takes a quick look at everyone gathered in the kitchen and says, “Everyone but Sehun, Baekhyun and Joonmyun out, right now.” Chanyeol opens his mouth to protest but Baekhyun puts a hand on his shoulder and nods, and Chanyeol shuffles out of the kitchen along the rest of their band mates. 

Sehun expects him to yell, to be furious, but instead he clears his throat and says in a tight voice. “We need to get some things straight before we can try to fix this mess.” He looks at Sehun and then at Baekhyun and asks, “How long have you two been together?” and before Sehun can say anything Baekhyun says, “We aren’t together. It was a one time thing.”

The PR lady makes a displeased sound and shakes her head, saying, “Well, this just won’t do. Another scandal on this scale is the last thing this band needs.” She sends Baekhyun a frustrated look, as if any of his previous scandals were actually his fault, and adds, “Especially one involving him.” Sehun opens his mouth to say something, anything, to make the defeated look on Baekhyun’s face disappear, but the woman doesn’t give him a chance. 

“Here’s what we are going to do. We’re going to make an official announcement saying that the both of you have been dating for a while now, and that we kindly ask everyone to respect your privacy."

 

Baekhyun is shaking his head even before his brain can fully process what he’s hearing. “You can’t possibly be serious.” he says, at the same time Sehun let’s out an outraged, “What?! No!” 

“Can’t we just say that, I don’t know, it was a dare, or something?” Sehun says, and while Baekhyun wholeheartedly agrees, he already knows the answer. 

“We could do that, of course. But we, as a company, cannot pass on the opportunity like this. Not when presenting you two as a couple and making sure that everyone knows that SM Entertainment is fully supporting you, could show the company in a much better light.” The woman finishes and looks at both of them expectantly. 

“Do we have any say in this?” Baekhyun asks and looks at their manager. The man clears his throat and looks down at his hands. 

“I don’t like it either, Baekhyun, but this is our best option here.” he spreads his hands in a helpless gesture. 

“But I’m not even gay.” Sehun says quietly, the reality of the situation beginning to finally get to him. 

“That’s besides the point, Mr. Oh.” One of the women says, “While we are very aware of Mr. Byun’s sexuality, we cannot disclose it to the public, given the light of his latest dating scandal.” and at that, Baekhyun says, "But how am I supposed to come out without telling anyone I'm gay? And why on earth did you go through all that trouble with Taeyeon if you're just going to make me parade around holding Sehun's hand, singing about how much I love my secret boyfriend!?" 

The woman seems to be prepared for that, completely ignoring his outburst, says, "In case anyone asks, and we are aware that people will, we will simply say that you are bisexual." 

"So I'm supposed to lie, again?" Baekhyun asks, getting more and more frustrated, and even the hand Joonmyun puts on his shoulder doesn't help him calm down. 

"We have no time for your childish outbursts, Mr. Byun. It would be better for both you and us if you finally learned that actions have consequences." And there’s not much that Baekhyun can say to that, so he just bows his head and starts fiddling with his thumbs.

Sehun’s quiet “And what happens if we don’t do it?” surprises not only Baekhyun, but everyone in the room. The PR noona is clearly taken aback, but she seems to recover quickly. 

“If any of you chooses not to cooperate, they will be removed from all group activities indefinitely.” 

Sehun takes in a sharp breath and says, “You can’t just kick us out!” but the woman just says, “We most certainly can. But let’s hope it doesn’t come to this.” She stands up, takes her coat and purse from the chair and adds, “You have until tomorrow morning to make a decision. I trust it will be a correct one.” and with a curt nod of her head she leaves the kitchen.Their manager stands up, looking lost and clearly unhappy. He puts a hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder and says, “Call me when you make a decision.” and then he’s gone too.

 

The moment they hear the front door close Sehun jumps from his chair and lets out a frustrated growl. “They can’t do this to us! They just can’t!” he turns to Joonmyun, his voice pleading. The older just shakes his head and says, “Sehun, I think that you should calm down-” but Baekhyun has had enough for one day. He stands up, looks straight into Sehun’s eyes and says, “There’s very little they can’t make us do.” 

He snatches his phone from where it’s lying in front of Joonmyun and leaves the kitchen. He goes straight to his and Chanyeol’s room. Chanyeol is already there, sitting on his bed. He looks up the moment Baekhyun enters the room and spreads his arms wide without saying anything. Baekhyun accepts the hug willingly, pressing himself into Chanyeol’s side, breathing in his comforting scent. They sit like this for a few moments, Baekhyun with his head buried in Chanyeol's shoulder, their legs tangled together, not saying anything. After a while Bakehyun shifts, tightening the grip he has on Chanyeol’s waist and says, "They want me to come out. With Sehun, as a couple."   

Chanyeol makes a surprised sound and tries to turn to look at him, but Baekhyun isn't giving him much space for movement with how hard he's clinging, so he settles for pressing his cheek into Baekhyun's hair. He says, "I didn't know Sehun is gay." He sounds hurt, and it makes Baekhyun snort.

"He isn't, and apparently neither am I. They want me to say that I'm bi."

"Oh. Because of the Taeyeon thing?" Chanyeol asks, and shifts, so that Baekhyun can hide his face in his neck at a more comfortable angle. 

"Yeah, because of the Taeyeon thing." There's a beat of silence and then Baekhyun says, his voice muffled by the material of Chanyeol’s hoodie, "It feels so much worse, lying like this. When I decided to audition I knew I wouldn't be able to come out, like, ever, and I was fine with that. But now that I actually get the chance to come clean, they’re making me lie again, and it just doesn’t feel right this time. It’s like getting a second chance at something and doing the exact same thing.” 

Chanyeol makes a quiet sound at the back of his throat and Baekhyun slowly pulls away so he can face him. “They said that if we don’t cooperate, they’re going to kick us out of the band.” Chanyeol furrows his eyebrows at that, clearly taken aback, but Baekhyun doesn’t give him the time to interrupt. “I have no idea what to do, Yeol. I don’t want to leave, I really don’t. But you know what happened when people thought I was dating a girl, and there’s nothing I’d want less than a repeat of that, and this- this is going to be so much worse.” 

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything, just pulls him into a bone crushing hug that, for the first time in years, doesn’t make Baekhyun feel any better.

 

He gets a text from Taeyeon some time later, asking if he’s okay. He types back, _as okay as i can be._

She’s a good friend of his, always has been. Even before, well, everything. She texts back _well hang in there, you know you can call me if you need to talk_. And then, a few moments later _baek, i hate that i have to ask you, but, is this going to affect me in any way?_ And that’s when he remembers that the whole fake dating stunt they’ve been forced to pull was to protect her as much as him. 

He still remembers her clutching his arm, desperate look on her face, all but pleading “Baekhyun please, just, just this one thing. One thing and we can both put a stop to these stupid rumours. If anyone ever found out… I can’t, I can’t even imagine.” 

And it was her in the end who convinced him to get in the damned car and kiss her. When the pictures “leaked” and the media storm started, he had to lie in bed at night, trying to convince himself that the _Taeyeon and Baekhyun dating?!_ headlines were much better than _Is Baekhyun from EXO Gay?_ But in the end it turns out that it wasn’t something he could avoid.

If there’s one thing he knows for sure now, it’s that he won’t let her take the fall for his own mistakes. He types back _dont worry, youre safe_ , and sets his phone on silent.

 

After Baekhyun leaves, Sehun tries to hide in his and Tao’s room, burying himself under a pile of blankets in the middle of his bed. When Jongin and Joonmyun try to get him to talk he ignores them by pressing a pillow over his head and waiting until they leave. He knows he’s being childish, but he doesn’t care. Tao is wise enough not to come back to their room during the entire day, and for that Sehun is grateful, because he knows he wouldn’t be able to ignore him. At some point he manages to doze off, but when he wakes up he doesn’t feel any better. He grabs his phone from the nightstand, quietly thankful that Joonmyun decided to just leave it there and not use it as a way of luring him out.

 

He goes to the bathroom and calls Luhan for the first time in weeks, phone clutched tightly in his hand. Luhan answers after the first ring with a quiet “Sehunnie?” and apparently that's all it takes for Sehun, because the second the word leaves Luhan's lips he's gasping for breath, tears that have been threatening to fall for the past few hours finally stream down his cheeks. He must have let out a horribly pathetic sound because Luhan gasps on the other end and starts speaking in fast, heavily accented sentences. 

“Hey, hey, Sehunnie it's okay. I promise you, it's going to be okay. Shhh, sweetheart please. I need you to take a deep breath for me, okay?” and Sehun does, because he's not a child anymore and crying like this is pathetic. He takes a deep breath, makes a ridiculous whining sound, gasps out “Oh god hyung, what am I going to do?” and starts sobbing all over again.

 

It takes Luhan more than thirty minutes to calm him down, and when he finally stops crying he's exhausted. His head is pounding, his whole body covered in sweat. 

“They gave me a choice, hyung.” he rasps out, his voice scratchy.

“Oh? A choice? That’s new.”  Luhan says, fake wonder clear in his voice. Sehun snorts, can’t help the way Luhan always makes him feel better. 

“Hyung, please! We’re talking about how my life is literally falling apart now.” Sehun sniffles and moves around a bit, trying to find a more comfortable position. 

“Nothing’s falling apart.” Luhan says forcefully, “Tell me about the wonderful options you’ve been provided with.” 

“I can either leave the band,” Sehun says, to which Luhan snorts, “or come out as a couple. Me and Baekhyun.” The other end of the line is strangely silent at that, so Sehun clears his throat and asks, “Hyung? Are you there?” 

“I didn’t even know you are gay. Why didn’t I know you are gay?” Luhan asks in a way of answering. He sounds upset at the thought that Sehun would hide something like this from him. 

“Well that’s the point. I’m not. Or, I don’t think I am.” he sighs, pressing the heel of his free hand against his right eye. "They're saying it's damage control. That it's better for the band if we say that we've been dating for a while." 

Sehun understands the logic behind this, he really does, but when it's his own life on the table he wants to just screw logic and do what makes him feel better, what makes him feel safe and not like his whole world is falling at the seams. Which is, barricading himself in the bathroom so he can hide from the worried looks everyone is giving him and listening to Luhan's quiet, reassuring words. 

He tells Luhan everything, about going to Baekhyun for advice, about the kiss, about Joonmyun waking him up and the talk with management. Luhan listens without interrupting, and when Sehun is done he says, “You know what I would do if I were in your place.” 

“I know hyung, but I don’t want to leave.” Sehun says, and cringes at how petulant he sounds. “But I also don’t want everyone to think I’m gay when I’m not.”

“Well, it’s a little bit too late for that now.” Luhan says, amusement clear in his voice. “You have to face it Sehun, the pictures are already out there. What you have to say about them doesn’t really change the fact that everyone and their mother has already seen them. They probably have their own opinions about them too. So it’s better to go out there and face the music, show them you aren’t scared and all that.” 

“But _I am_ scared.” Sehun says, his voice small. “I hate it when you are right, hyung.” 

Luhan laughs and Sehun can almost see him when he closes his eyes, the way his eyes crinkle when he throws his head back in a fit of laughter he can’t quite contain, his shoulders shaking with the force of it. “I miss you so much, hyung. You have no idea.” he whispers. 

“I miss you too, Sehunnie, you know I do.” Luhan’s voice is warm, but he doesn’t sound sad, just wistful. “I hope I helped you at least a little bit.”

“You did. Thank you.” Sehun says, and then after a beat of silence adds, “I love you, hyung.” 

“I love you too, kid. You really should call me more often, though.”

“I will, I promise. Good night, hyung.”  Sehun says and means it, because talking to Luhan doesn't hurt anymore, not in a way it did just a month ago.

“Good night.” Luhan says. 

When Sehun gets back to his room, Zitao is already in his bed, pretending to be asleep. He probably knows he’s not fooling anyone but it gives Sehun an excuse to quietly slip under the covers without bothering to hide his red, puffy eyes.

 

The morning finds Baekhyun blinking blearily at the ceiling. It feels like there’s sand under his eyelids and his throat is dry. He lays awake for a while, listening to Chanyeol’s quiet snores. The clock on his phone reads 9:15 am and there are 45 unread messages in his inbox. He’s grateful for his habit of turning his phone on silent before he goes to bed, even though he barely got a few hours of restless sleep tonight. He gets up and leaves the room as quietly as possible, careful not to wake up Chanyeol. He runs into Kyungsoo on his way to the bathroom. The younger eyes him warily but doesn’t say anything, just shuffles past Baekhyun and disappears in his room. Baekhyun takes a quick shower, brushes his teeth and puts on fresh clothes.

 

By the time he makes his way into the kitchen Sehun is already there, Jongin and Zitao sitting beside him. When he spots Baekhyun he doesn’t even give him the chance to speak, just says, “Let’s do this. I don’t even care anymore, so let’s do this.” His voice is filled with wild desperation and the grip he has on the edge of the table has turned his knuckles white. 

Baekhyun blinks, swallows around the invisible fist that’s been squeezing his throat since yesterday’s morning and says, “Okay, okay. If that’s what you want, then sure, let’s do it.” 

Sehun lets out a laugh that’s more hysteric than anything and says, “Wanting has nothing to do with it.” 

“Right. Okay. I’m going to tell Joonmyun then.” Baekhyun clears his throat, turns on his heel and walks out of the kitchen, because the way Sehun is looking at him makes him want to crawl out of his skin and hide somewhere no one can find him.

 

Locating the leader is easy enough and it takes Joonmyun all of five minutes to call their manager. When he’s done he says, “The announcement should be up online in an hour. We’re all banned from any kinds of social media though.”

 There isn’t really anything for him to do but wait, so Baekhyun tries to keep himself busy. He goes on his Instagram and scrolls through the comments. There’s a lot of “Oppa fighting!~~” and general support that makes him feel like he made the right decision, but there’s also a lot of hateful messages. They are more vicious than usual, but it might just seem that way because Baekhyun isn't used to being hit right where he's the most vulnerable.

He's about to check under one of his other pictures when someone snatches the phone out of his hands and he hears Chanyeol's deep voice say, "Don't do this to yourself."

Baekhyun wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and says, "Joonmyun talked to the manager, it should be online any minute now."

"I know." Chanyeol says, "Everyone knows. How do you feel?"

"Horrible. I'm scared out of my mind." Baekhyun says and moves to make space for Chanyeol on the couch.

“Did you get any sleep? You look like a zombie.” Chanyeol asks. He looks concerned, like he wants to hold Baekhyun and protect him from all the evil in this world and Baekhyun is touched, he really is, but he knows that if anyone hugs him right now he might start crying and it’s the last thing he needs.

“Two, maybe three hours. The last thing I remember it was 6 am.”

“Well, I say you need coffee. Coffee and breakfast. How does that sound?” Chanyeol asks, getting up from the couch. He offers his hand to Baekhyun and the smile on his face looks forced, but Baekhyun just grips his hand hard and says, “It sounds fantastic.”

 

Sehun locks himself in his room the second the announcement goes online. He didn’t manage to get any sleep at night, tossing and turning for hours on end. He sits on his bed and scrolls through the comment section. It’s horrible, worse than he could have possibly imagined. The words of _i can't believe they would just lie to us like that_ and _fucking faggots this is disgusting honestly_ and _i knew there was something wrong with sehun from the very beginning but baek?????_ and _exo is breaking my heart again why am i even surprised_ all echoing in his head.

He doesn't even make it through the first hundred before the tears start falling. His heart is beating a mile a minute and he can't stop his hands from shaking. His phone drops to the floor with a dull thud. He hides his head between his knees, wrapping his arms around his shins and starts rocking back and forth, a poor attempt at soothing himself. He tries to catch his breath but it’s futile, loud whining sobs escaping his lips with every exhale. He thinks he hears someone pounding on the door, calling his name, but his own heartbeat is too loud in his ears.

It feels like hours before he manages to calm himself down. All of his muscles are stiff and his whole body is covered in cold sweat but he doesn't even bother with a shower, just covers himself with a blanket and falls asleep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> first time writing exo. english is not my first language. 
> 
> i really dont know how anything works in sm and i didnt feel like doing too much research (im lazy, i know). im screwing up their rooming arrangements and i /know/ that their manager actually lives with them, but for the sake of this fic just bear with me, pretty please?
> 
> i have the rest of the chapters already planned out, so this shouldnt take that long.
> 
> you can find me on tumblr as [meanssugar](http://meanssugar.tumblr.com/).


End file.
